Complaint of the Week: So This is the New Year and I Don’t Feel Any Better
It should be noted that I will not hesitate to steal song lyrics from anyone (ANYONE), even Death Cab for Cutie, if it suits my whims. I. Will. Not. Hesitate.
Moving on…
So, 2010 started a mere eight days ago and I briefly contemplated breaking my streak of not making resolutions (to misquote Hobbes, “Live and don’t learn, that’s me!”) to make a few. Then I decided that change is difficult and America, despite voting Obama into power, has recently come down firmly against it. Who am I to dispute the will of the masses?
So instead of making them, I thought I’d just share some of the ones I might have made, and why they never would have worked.
Resolution: To write more.
How would it all have worked out: This one probably has the best odds of being fulfilled, if I ever was to make actual resolutions. If I stick with doing this piece at least once a week and keep writing for Marvel.com approximately twice a week, I’ll do it no problem. Of course, I won’t be completing plays or novels, so maybe the spirit won’t be fulfilled, but I’m all about the letter of the law anyway.
Hmm...yes...I am quite excellent. Thanks for noticing.
Resolution: To watch a film that stars Val Kilmer, Nicolas Cage, Denzel Washington, and Michael Keaton together. Possibly with John Travolta as the villain.
How would it all have worked out: I’m looking at you, Hollywood.
Resolution: To be a better husband.
How would it all have worked out: Hey, it is great to have self improvement goals. But let’s be honest here. My wife is so far out of my league, I’m doing all I can just to keep up. Being better? That kind of goal resides somewhere in the realm of science fiction, my friends.
Resolution: To befriend a bear.
How would it all have worked out: I did this one last year. Turns out bears are wicked clingy. Who needs that aggravation two years in a row?
My arms are already ready to hug you, soon-to-be best friend!
Resolution: To befriend a manatee.
How would it all have worked out: Never mind how it would have worked out. I can tell you how it will work out. Awesomely. Very, very awesomely. (But, this, being more of a life goal, is not officially a New Year’s Resolution.)
Resolution: To convince Brendan Loy to have more children and make me the godfather of one of them.
How would it all have worked out: According to Mr. Loy, “Oh, Tim, we’re flattered. We really are. But that’s a silly idea. A terrible, silly idea.” So… fingers crossed?
Resolution: To buy a tailored white linen suit, and wear it while fighting crime.
How would it have worked out: Who’s to say it already hasn’t? Or that someone’s wife told him under no circumstances is he to do something so stupid? Either’s possible.
Resolution: To get the physique of Zac Efron.
Well hello there abdominal muscles
How would it all have worked out: It would’ve looked ludicrous. I mean, I’m a head taller than him. And much broader in the shoulders. Otherwise, yeah, I’d totally do it.
Resolution: To bring back the mid-90’s Fox superhero series M.A.N.T.I.S. to prime time with brand new episodes.
How would it have worked out: The stack of restraining orders on my desk would seem to suggest, “not well.”
Resolution: To keep you reading these posts.
How would it have worked out: That’s more your department than mine, and I believe telling me how I am doing in this regard is what the comments section is for. That and anonymous threats to my life and livelihood, of course.