Deadspin’s list of 10 Things That Christmas Would Be Better Off Without (warning: profanity!) is very, very wrong — for instance, #1 is Jesus — but also very funny in parts. My favorite is number 3:
Christmas Cards That Do Not Include An Awkward Family Photo
The only reason to send me a Christmas card is so I can look at your family and pick apart each member’s looks one by one. Did you get fat? Why is your child wearing that john-john? Are you really that much of a snobby prick? Is that your living room? Looks like it was designed by a blind heterosexual. This is Christmas. It’s my season to JUDGE YOU. Don’t send me some Christmas card that has no picture in it. You may as well be sending me a FiOs direct mail piece. Into the fireplace with it. AND NO PICTURES OF JUST YOUR DOG. If there’s anything people care about less than your kids, it’s your stupid f***ing dog.
LOL! Also, number 6:
Gift Guides
Gawker proper has always railed against magazine gift guides featuring products you can’t possibly afford. And yet, they continue to thrive, even multiply. “Hey! Your Dad would love this $800 turntable that converts all his vinyl records to mp3s!” That’s true. You know what else Dad would love? A F***ING HELICOPTER. A f***ing $30 million Huey helicopter with f***ing double missiles on each side and a special cloaking device. And the Raiders! He would love the Oakland Raiders, and he’d also love a hovering sail barge, and this special Vuitton-designed Kindle carrying case that costs more than the original product! All perfectly realistic. F*** YOU AND DIE.
Heh. As for the “Dora the Explorer version of [‘A Christmas Carol’] with Swiper the Fox standing in for Scrooge,” I haven’t seen it yet, but I suspect it’s in my future. #PANIC!