As expected, Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe resigned today as part of the latest effort to save the Big 12. This caused the most hilarious account on Twitter, Fake Dan Beebe — the funniest fake tweeter since @MayorEmanuel and his pet duck Quaxelrod disappeared into the motherf***ing time portal — to go out in an absolute blaze of glory, one that can only be described as epic, or as David put it, #WINNING.
After the jump, for posterity, the entire, hourlong Fake Dan Beebe rant, in chronological order. Warning: salty language and anatomical references.
• THIS IS WHAT YOU BASTARDS WANTED AND THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
• DANNY DID NOTHING BUT HUSTLE FOR YOU BIG 12 AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET, A FORCED RESIGNATION JUST SO OKLAHOMA WILL STOP BEING BUTTHOLES
• SO LISTEN UP, AND LISTEN WELL
• BAYLOR, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE LITTLE PUNK OF A SCHOOL WHO’S ONE CONGRESSMAN’S HEART ATTACK AWAY FROM BEING FORCED INTO D-II
• COLORADO, I NEVER CARED ABOUT YOU AT ALL
• IOWA STATE, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A DRAIN ON THE CONFERENCE AND ON MY SANITY. YOU ARE WORTHLESS. EVERYONE IS FLEEING YOU.
• KANSAS, IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THE BIG EAST BY ALL DAMN MEANS DO SO, THEY LOVE SCHOOLS WITH GOOD BASKETBALL AND NO FOOTBALL PROGRAM WHATSOEVER
• KANSAS STATE YOU ARE WORSE THAN KANSAS AT EVERYTHING, LITERALLY EVERYTHING
• NEBRASKA YOU WOULD BE HAPPIER IN PRESCHOOL WHERE NOBODY HAS TO REALIZE THAT THEY’RE NOT SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKES THAT DESERVE CONSTANT HUGS
• I HAVE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER THAN THE DAY NEBRASKA WEASELED OUT OF THE BIG 12 SO THEY COULD LET JIM DELANY TELL THEM HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE
• TAYLOR MARTINEZ IS AIDS ON TWO FEET
• BO PELINI HAS DEFINITELY KILLED A MAN BEFORE AND PROBABLY EATEN HIM, AND IF HE DIDN’T CARL DID
• TOM OSBORNE PROBABLY DIED FIVE YEARS AGO AND NOBODY HAD THE HEART TO TELL HIM
• OKLAHOMA, WHAT GALAXY DO YOU LIVE IN AND WHY CAN’T YOU GO PLAY SPORTS THERE INSTEAD. YOU ARE MORE OVERRATED THAN TAYLOR SWIFT’S AWFUL FACE
• NOBODY CARES WHAT T. BOONE PICKENS HAS TO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING. OKLAHOMA STATE IS KANSAS STATE BUT FURTHER SOUTH IS ALL
• TEXAS TECH YOU LISTENED TO THAT HOOKER-SLAUGHTERING CRETIN CRAIG JAMES OVER MIKE LEACH AND FOR THAT I HOPE THE EARTH SWALLOWS YOUR CAMPUS
• TEXAS A&M, YOU ARE NEVER WINNING A TITLE IN THE SEC, NOT EVEN ONCE, AND AT LEAST 80% OF YOUR STUDENT BODY IS WEIRD
• I MEAN TEXAS A&M STUDENTS ARE THE KIND OF WEIRD WHERE YOU DON’T LEAVE THEM IN THE SAME ROOM AS HOUSE PETS UNATTENDED
• TEXAS A&M YELL LEADERS ARE BECAUSE AGGIE IS SCARED OF WOMEN SO CONGRATULATIONS FOR BRINGING SAUDI ARABIAN CULTURE TO AMERICA YOU INBREDS
• RICK PERRY IS AN AGGIE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HOW IS HE EVEN ALLOWED TO LIVE ALONE AND CUT HIS OWN MEAT MUCH LESS RUN FOR PRESIDENT
• I WAS TRYING TO GO MOSTLY IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER BUT I FORGOT MISSOURI. IMAGINE THAT, SOMEONE FORGETTING ABOUT MISSOURI
• MISSOURI THROWS MORE PANTIES THAN THE CROWD OF 8TH GRADERS AT A JONAS BROTHERS CONCERT AND YET NOBODY EVER PICKS THEM UP
• AND TEXAS.
• GOOD OLD TEXAS.
• HEY DELOSS. FUCK TEXAS AND FUCK YOU.
• I DID EVERYTHING IN MY EARTHLY POWERS TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE THE MOST WELL CARED FOR SCHOOL IN NCAA HISTORY, AND FOR WHAT
• WHEN IT ALL WENT DOWN YOU WERE RIGHT THERE AT THE FRONT LINE WAITING TO ABANDON ME JUST LIKE THE REST OF THESE INGRATES
• OKLAHOMA AND TEXAS A&M I CAN UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY’RE HORRIBLE LITTLE STEPCHILDREN, BUT YOU, TEXAS? YOU?
• I WAS READY TO NAME MY TESTICLES HOOKEM AND HORNS FOR YOU AND MAKE “TEXAS WITH A DOLLAR SIGN” THE NEW BIG 12 REALITY
• BUT IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU AWFUL, HORRIBLE GREEDY BRATS, WAS IT
• TEXAS JUST HAD TO KEEP TAKING AND TAKING AND TAKING. I SHOULD HAVE DONE WHAT LARRY SCOTT DID AND TOLD YOU TO GO PLAY IN TRAFFIC INSTEAD
• I HOPE A CLOUD OF PURE DIARRHEA OPENS UP OVER DKR AND FILLS THAT PLACE TO THE BRIM DURING YOUR NEXT GAME
• I DON’T EVEN WANT TO SEE BURNT ORANGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. IT LOOKS LIKE BABY POOP
• TEXAS IS GOING TO BE LONELY FOREVER AND THAT’S STILL A FATE BETTER THAN IT DESERVES
• NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR EYES. YOU STOLE THAT SONG FROM A CHILDRENS SONG RT @chisoxfan30: @ the eyes of Texas are upon you. #hookem
• THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPONNN YOUU… ALLLL THE LIVE LONG DAYYYYYY
• YOU HAVE TO SING YOUR FIGHT SONG ALONG TO “I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THE RAILROAD” AND YOU EXPECT ANYBODY TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
• I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE CITY OF AUSTIN DID TO DESERVE HAVING SUCH A HORRIBLE BUNCH OF HYPER-PRIVILEGED BRATS OVERTAKE IT BUT IT CAN’T BE GOOD
• CAN WE NUKE AUSTIN? IS THAT APPROPRIATE? IT’S PROBABLY APPROPRIATE
• I’M OUT. I’M NEVER COMMISSIONERING ANOTHER CONFERENCE EVER AGAIN. COLLEGE SPORTS ARE TO COLLEGE WHAT GENITAL WARTS ARE TO GENITALS
• ENJOY YOUR MISERABLE LITTLE CONFERENCE, “BIG 12.” I HOPE YOU FAIL. I’M OUT. GOODBYE.
In the words of @Mengus22, mid-rant: “I guess we’ll just close Twitter when @DanBeebe is finished.” Or those of @BryanDFischer, post-rant: “Congrats @DanBeebe. You have won the internet.”
Or, as @LandThieves put it, echoing my thoughts: “I’d like to think the real Dan Deebe is out there somewhere reading the fake @DanBeebe right now and laughing his ass off.”
And indeed, he may have been. It turns out the real Dan Beebe once said of the fake Dan Beebe, “That guy’s funny.”