If you haven’t heard, the Rapture is coming on Saturday.
Reminder: TSA will be conducting random pre-#Rapture “enhanced pat downs” to ensure air travelers’ safety during flights to Heaven tomorrow.
Brendan Loy
brendanloy
Specifically, the Rapture is coming at 6:00 PM local time on Saturday. (Apparently, God respects time zones!) So it’ll start in Kiribati and sweep westward across the globe, I guess. Some folks are planning Rapture Parties. Others are making contingency plans for their pets. (No, really.)
Meanwhile, those of us in the ranks of the Unsaved are getting ready for… nothing to happen. Or, just possibly, getting ready to witness the spectacle of our Saved compatriots being suddenly sucked up into the Great Fairy Story in the Sky, leaving us heathens here on Earth to deal first with the FlashForward-like aftermath of the Rapture itself, followed by the coming Apocalypse, presided over by President Hillary Clinton (c’mon, you know she’s arranged with God, or Satan if necessary, that Obama, Biden, Boehner and Inouye will all be Raptured).
Personally, I’m mostly just excited for the beer & broads party I’m going to throw on Sunday for my good tweet-friend Zach, a devout Mormon, who has agreed with my suggestion that, if the Rapture happens, thus disproving the tenets of his faith (Mormons don’t believe in the Rapture), it’s time to live it up.
Anyway, as you can tell, I’ve been having some fun with this on Twitter, as have many folks. For posterity — you know, so after the Rapture happens, I can remember how I foolishly made fun of it beforehand — I just thought I’d share a few of my tweets about it…
Can horses be Saved? Because if some Preakness contestants ascended into Heaven in the middle of the race Saturday, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.Brendan Loy
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Though I suppose I’d settle for jockies being lifted off horses in mid-stretch. Let’s get the timing right on this, God. #Preakness #RaptureBrendan Loy
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We need the Johnsons, Dave and Gus, on the call for the #Preakness #Rapture. “And DOWN the stretch they…” “OOOOOHHHH!!! THEY’RE FLYING!!!”Brendan Loy
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Someone needs to follow Tim Tebow around town Saturday with a live streaming video feed. #RaptureCamBrendan Loy
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Is there already a #RaptureUpsides meme? If not, can I start it? … Smaller AT&T network = fewer dropped iPhone calls. #RaptureUpsidesBrendan Loy
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Pac-12 becomes nation’s undisputed premier football conference as entire SEC & much of Big XII, Big Ten ascend to Heaven. #RaptureUpsidesBrendan Loy
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A *lot* less traffic coming into and out of Denver from Colorado Springs. #RaptureUpsidesBrendan Loy
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Permanent Democratic Majority #RaptureUpsidesBrendan Loy
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Donald Trump blows a gasket when his toupee ascends to Heaven. #RaptureUpsidesBrendan Loy
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UPDATE: On a related note, Salon ponders scenarios in which Newt Gingrich can become the GOP nominee. Possibly the most plausible:
The Rapture does happen this weekend, but only Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Mitch Daniels, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Chris Christie, and Jeb Bush ascend to heaven.
In this scenario, most of the GOP candidates and would-be candidates will be in the clouds with Jesus. Gingrich, a recent convert to Catholicism, probably takes an Amillennial view of Revelations, and will remain on Earth with the sinners. He’ll still have to defeat Tea Party favorite Herman Cain, who may or may not be a charming antichrist figure, but Gingrich will probably be able to take advantage of the fact that most Tea Party-affiliated Republican primary voters will have already raptured.
Heh. More of my Rapture tweets (including some new ones added Friday morning) after the jump.
Sarah Palin will never be President of the United States. #RaptureUpsidesBrendan Loy
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Daniels says he’ll decide on presidential bid by month’s end. I guess he’s figuring the whole “truce” thing means #NoRaptureForYouMitch.Brendan Loy
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Tomorrow is the last day the Libya War remains legal under the War Powers Act without a vote in Congress. After that? #SavedByTheRaptureBrendan Loy
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Jersey Shore: Season 4 cancelled. #RaptureUpsidesBrendan Loy
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Westboro Baptist Church people…..totally still here. #Dammit #RaptureDownsidesBrendan Loy
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Post-#Rapture U.S. Senate: 28 Ds, 13 Rs, 2 Indys (Lieberman & Sanders). 24 Catholics, 12 Jews, 6 Mormons, 1 Unitarian. #PermanentDemMajorityBrendan Loy
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#PANIC RT @iowahawkblog: Last Oprah show Friday. World ends Saturday. Coincidence? I think not. #OpracalypseBrendan Loy
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P.S. And some creative theology from our friend David K.:
On Saturday dinosaurs will descend from heaven and take the worthy back with them. It’s #VelociRAPTURE
David Kreutz
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UPDATE: A few more…
Hey, do we know what time the #Rapture is happening Saturday? It’s @MileHighBecky‘s & my date night. Would like to avoid the traffic snarls.Brendan Loy
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UPDATE: Rapture is at 6pm Saturday in each time zone: http://bit.ly/mMVhOu. Preakness post time is 6:05pm. YES YES YES. #FlyingHorsesBrendan Loy
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Darn, @MileHighBecky and I should have arranged for an atheist or Jewish babysitter for our date night tomorrow evening, huh? #RaptureBrendan Loy
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Hmm, good point. #JesusIsMyBabysitter RT @Corcoran310: @brendanloy wont Christ take the children? its not their fault u two are heathens!Brendan Loy
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Be sure to #Repent before midnight EDT, when the #Rapture starts in Kiribati (6pm there) & your genuineness becomes suspect. #RaptureTipsBrendan Loy
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@brando_minich @UnGajje Could a nation escape the rapture altogether by declaring its time zone to be, like, UTC -100000000000?Brendan Loy
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If I were a radio DJ on the air at 6pm tomorrow, I’d totally play “Jesus Take The Wheel,” without commentary. #RaptureBrendan Loy
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I would say today could be my last day ever at work, but let’s be realistic. I work with a bunch of lawyers. We’ll be open Monday. #RaptureBrendan Loy
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Hey, I just thought of another #RaptureUpside. Unemployment rate plunges as the Saved leave the job market! Economy fixed! #RaptureStimulusBrendan Loy
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Good point. #RaptureDownsides RT @bhein3: @brendanloy how does that affect the still-struggling housing market though? #dirtcheaphousesBrendan Loy
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Wouldn’t it be ironic if it turns out only the Atheists are Saved? #IJustBlewYourMind #RaptureBrendan Loy
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Oh, and this from Jonah Goldberg, followed by my response:
A lot of people on Twitter will look stupid tomorrow when 1) the world ends and 2) they find out God is in Twitter.
Jonah Goldberg
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What if God *IS* Twitter? RT @JonahNRO A lot of people will look stupid tomorrow when 1) world ends and 2) they find out God is in Twitter.Brendan Loy
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Not a single mention of my velociRAPTURE post?!?
Ha. Didn’t see that till now.
LOL!!! 🙂
The velociRAPUTURE still terrifies me.
Oh, and while we’re talking about raptures . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHCdS7O248g
A local radio station interviewed Harold Camping yesterday, and he said it was supposed to be at 1:00am local time, starting in the same place. So that means the rapture would have started 24 minutes ago. Wonder how stupid he’s feeling now.
Hey Brendan, if you didn’t see it live, you should check what Drudge had at the top all evening. Your little Twitter icon is almost a twin, except his headline was “World Ends – Film at 11.” There’s also the almost-as-traditional “World Ends; Women, Minorities Hardest Hit.”
And about the time I finish this, happy Day-After-Apocalypse-Not to the Mountain Time Zone.
Of course this guy was wrong — who’s gonna believe an old white guy cracked some Bible code. Now if it some 14 year-old Asian kid, then yeah, we’d all have been judged yesterday…
James Taranto said it best: Harold Camping is the Christian version of Al Gore.